Groodle Schmoodler: A Villain with 7-fold Radial Symmetry

Despite his 7-fold radial symmetry, Groodle Schmoodler is surprisingly one-dimensional. Yes, I just called one of my main characters one-dimensional, a term critics would use in a decidedly negative way. But I wrote him that way on purpose. After all, he was inspired by real people who are also decidedly one-dimensional. 

Okay, let’s back it up. You may be wondering what the heck radial symmetry is. This is indeed biology jargon. It means that there are symmetrical limbs radiating from a central axis. An organism that exhibits radial symmetry can be cut in half in multiple different ways to yield two identical halves. Many types of flowers and sea stars exemplify radial symmetry. Sea stars, sea urchins, sand dollars, and sea cucumbers are all members of phylum Echinodermata and are classified as such partly due to their radial symmetry. In fact, all of these organisms exhibit five-fold radial symmetry, which means that they have 5 limbs, or multiples thereof, radiating from a central axis. Fun fact: some sea stars have upwards of 40 legs (a multiple of 5, of course)!!!!

Groodle Schmoodler is a member of the oodlean species and, as such, he exhibits 7-fold radial symmetry. His body plan consists of 7 tentacle-like appendages radiating from a central point. The center of his body houses his 7 eyes, which encircle his large, circular mouth, and can see in all directions simultaneously. These organs are located on the top side of his body, meaning that his mouth faces directly upwards (this is the opposite of a sea star, whose oral side is facing downwards). Oodleans keep their bodies moist by producing mucus. Schmoodler takes this bit of physiology to the extreme, as he seems to have an issue with overactive mucus glands. This is shown throughout the book by the way he talks. His voice is raspy and hoarse, but also wet-sounding, like someone suffering from a particularly phlegmy cough. It is as though he has a frog permanently stuck in his throat, and that frog cannot vacate due to the exorbitantly high price of rent anywhere else. And if it does move, the landlord will jack up the rent of his current abode within Schmoodler’s throat. So the frog is just stuck where he is and will never be able to afford that two-bedroom condo. 

Where am I? What just happened? Oh yes, I was talking about *Groodle Schmoodler* and not at all about my own situation . . . 

As he speaks, Schmoodler spews grotesque gobs of goo from the cavernous mouth atop his body. It is believed by many that the saying “say it, don’t spray it,” was inspired by him. And when he laughs, it’s even worse. Gone are the days of the villain with a “mua ha ha ha” laugh. Schmoodler’s laugh sounds more like a cat hacking up a hairball 一a very moist hairball. The English language does not possess the letters to spell out the onomatopoeia of his laugh. Perhaps the way an overly dramatic German speaker says “ach!” is the closest comparable human sound.  

Click here to read an excerpt

Now that you can visualize Groodle Schmoodler (even if you really wish you couldn’t), let’s talk about his personality. I did mention in the opening to this article that he is rather one-dimensional, so you may be wondering, what the heck is his one dimension? To put it simply: greed. Groodle Scmoodler represents everything that is wrong with late-stage capitalism. He is the wealthiest being in the universe, and the CEO of the highest grossing company in existence. His company, ITCo, is responsible for the large-scale, intergalactic transport of goods, which in turn is responsible for universal detuning 一a climate catastrophe that is projected to destroy all life in the cosmos. But Schmoodler doesn’t care that his astronomical profits are generated by the very thing that is destroying the universe. In fact, he plans to open a wormline that would drastically speed up the movement of goods and maximize his profits. And he’s not about to let those pesky scientists with their false data get in his way. 

In case that isn’t enough to make you hate him, Groodle Schmoodler is also the leader of a religion he invented in order to manipulate the masses, or perhaps to distract them from reality. The religion is called “Oodlism” and the gist of it is that in order to gain entry to heaven, one must perform the impossible feat of uttering the word “oodle” an infinite number of times during their life. Reverend Schmoodler, as they call him, has a megachurch on his home planet and leads massive congregations in the ritual chanting of the oodle. 

In summary, Groodle Schmoodler is an alien of the oodlean species who exhibits 7-fold radial symmetry and over-productive mucus glands, the CEO of a massive corporation that causes major damage to the universal environment, and a manipulative cult leader with a huge (and very gullible) followership. 

Did I mention that this character was inspired by real people? Oh yes, there it is, right in the first paragraph. He is most certainly based on real people, not just one person, and probably not who you’re thinking. But I’m not going to tell you who. I think it would be much more fun for YOU to speculate in the comments. What could possibly go wrong?  

Mua ha ha ha . . . er, I mean, ach ach ach achhhhh!!!